The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
