Your mouth is God's brothel.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
