I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
