And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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