OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
