Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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