shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
