dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
