It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
