I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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