my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
