This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
