She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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