I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
