you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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