Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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