Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night