why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
