My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
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Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
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My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha