the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
