Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
