I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
