I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
