my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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