hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
