u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
