nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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