You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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