She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
