For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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