did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
