She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
