We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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