Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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