Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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