I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
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Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
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The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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