Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
