How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
