operation harelip BJ is a go
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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