hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
