Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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