i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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