It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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