ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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