I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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