Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
that's an acceptable place to lick
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
