I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
