Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
