Got a toothbrush?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
