Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Let's paint friendship bongs
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
