I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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