I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
