i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
