i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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