I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
