My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
