I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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